Go away!

August 24, 2010

I am soooooooooo over it. I mean it.  I cannot stand one more day of this suffocating, exhausting, unnecessary discomfort. Summer, we get it. You are HOTT and we love you because you make it feel amazing to jump into a briskly cold river, eat snow cones and wear cute little dresses and sandals. But then you get all dramatic and extreme on us and we have to start avoiding you at all costs. You have made me a hostage in my own home/office, where my new bestie air conditioning,  is the only one making it bearable to live. Summer you have worn out your welcome and it is time to go now.  You will always have a place in my heart and it is definitely not over between us. I just need some space. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you know?  Give me a few months and I will start to get all nostalgic about you and then a few more months and I might even be super excited to see you… but for now… we need to part ways.

I need pumpkin. I am talking pie, lattes, bread, soup… whatever vehicle you can put pumpkin into, I am driving. I also need boots. Tall boots with leggings, short boots with jeans… whatever just please let me wear some damn boots. I am dreaming in camel colors and plaids… and cardigans… for the love of GOD please let it be time to wear a friggin cardigan… Oh Fall, my true love we shall be reunited soon… Even though you are such a tease and come and go like a sailor on leave, you will always have my undying devotion.  

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Live it

August 12, 2010

“Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a class or flunk a test. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride.” – Solbeam

Maybe life is meant to be lived completely manic?! In the middle is just boring and passionless… and generally fruitless. Life should be abused and destroyed then nurtured and revived… revamped… and not left with the plastic on so it doesn’t get dirty (contrary to what my mother thinks).

So in keeping with my theme this week of being an active participant in your life, let’s all go out there and do something great this weekend.

Eat something so extravagant and delicious that it makes you feel like you ate a piece of life itself …

Talk to a stranger and be whoever you really want to be in that instant without fear of judgment…

Order a bottle of bubbly just because you want to celebrate Friday night dinner with one of your besties… ( Hi Katie!)

Get dressed up and look good… feel good… even if just to go to a friends house to lounge about…

Live like you love every little thing about your life and indulge and scream and cackle with laughter as much as possible…

Just don’t space out and hide and waste your precious life minutes being afraid… even if just for this one short weekend.

Me and The Boss

August 11, 2010

“Lights out tonight
trouble in the heartland
Got a head-on collision
smashin’ in my guts, man
I’m caught in a cross fire
that I don’t understand
But there’s one thing I know for sure girl
I don’t give a damn
For the same old played out scenes
I don’t give a damn
For just the in betweens
Honey, I want the heart, I want the soul
I want control right now
talk about a dream
Try to make it real
you wake up in the night
With a fear so real
Spend your life waiting
for a moment that just don’t come
Well, don’t waste your time waiting…”

– Badlands- Bruce Springsteen

I am an intense, fanatical lover of The Boss.  I think that we are kindred spirits and that maybe we share a tiny piece of soul in some far away parallel universe.  No one can put my feelings into words better than him, and I literally feel his music in the marrow of my bones. How did he know in 1978 when Badlands was written (coincidentally the year of my birth) how I was going to feel when I was 32 years old? Maybe it’s not a coincidence and with sharing that piece of soul like we do, it inspired him to write a song for me to seek comfort in when I feel lost. 

Yeah! That sounds like exactly what happened… so from this point forward I will be telling everyone that Bruce wrote a song for me. And that we are very close. Because in my mind we are besties.

 If only I could ask him if he too felt like this… like he was on the on the verge of something bigger?  Did he feel the heaviness of the stagnant energy weighing him down like 15 tons of bricks.

Because that is how I feel. Right now. Like everything is redundant, same ole same ole, and its played out… like a motherfucker.

I want something to sink my teeth into that is all for me. Something that jumps starts my dead battery. Something that ignites a fire and makes me feel glad to be alive. Cuz as Bruce says “it ain’t no sin to be glad your alive.”  

 I don’t want to “waste my time waiting for a moment that just don’t come”… and that’s what I have been doing for all this time. I have been waiting for something amazing to just happen to me, some passion to find me, be it a job, a man or even friends that “get” me. Well, I think Bruce is saying that things don’t just happen to you. Life requires active participation… Geez… this would be so much easier if Bruce wasn’t so cryptic! I guess he wants me to realize the lesson on my own…

 Here is my own analogy. Fabric doesn’t just morph into a beautiful dress. You have to weave it, dye it, cut it, and sew it. Even when it is an actual dress you have to care for it and clean it and iron when necessary.  And then when you have outgrown that beautiful dress, physically or fashionably, pass it on to a new owner.  Nothing is permanent and everything is constantly changing around you so stop clinging to the dress that doesn’t fit you or your life anymore!

 Wow what a long twisted road of a ramble we went on today… not sure if any of that makes sense.

and I believe that feelings of unhappiness and restlessness  mean that your soul is aware that you are on the cusp of change… and it’s ready for it.  

If you weren’t uncomfortable what would urge you to seek something better? Take boredom as a sign that excitement is on the horizon.

Happy weekend to all!

Ration your passion

August 5, 2010

But life is long. And it is the long run that balances the short flare of interest and passion
Sylvia Plath

 

My life is lacking in passion. I am a very passionate person, some may confuse this with being dramatic, but those people are usually assholes anyway.  So passion.  I have none at the moment. I am not obsessed with anything… not even realty excited about anything. This happens to me every so often. I hit a valley in my life where everything is boring and gray and monotone. There is no crush to day dream about and no fabulous plans on the horizon. Just the job that literally bores me to tears most days, then home to wait out the hours until the sun goes down when I can go to bed without feeling like a loser. I am having a jumpy jittering feeling as though I have outgrown my life as it currently exists, and I am anxiously waiting for it to catch up with me. But life is slow and inconsiderate and is taking it’s sweet time. I desperately need something that makes me swell with joy and excitement… I will take anything! A new friend, a cute boy to flirt with, a new hobby, a new job… anything! Just something that will awaken metaphorical life within my literal life.  I think the time has come for me to stop sitting around waiting for shit to happen and instead make shit happen. Well hope springs eternal, so here is to a life changing weekend ahead! Cheers.

 

I read a blog called Eat Live Run and today she posed the simple question,

                              “are you happy?” 

She said specifically that she meant the question to be answered about the moment, about today, not the big picture question of your life and your path… just simply are you happy right now? Hmmmm… that is a question that I never ask. Why? Well I am always stressing about my path and my future and what will make me happy eventually but I disregard the present as unimportant.  Who cares if I am happy now when one day it will all be worth it and I will be blissful?  Well guess what?  It is always going to BE the present and it will never BE the future.  Why worry about later, all the while sacrificing the now? Wow I think that’s what this is all about, huh? So, am I happy right now? Well I sure as hell ain’t sad today, and that is awesome!

I don’t love my job, but it works for now.  I am a bit lonely but I am fortunate to have some really fabulous friends and supportive family.  It’s Friday and I get to lounge about for two whole days. I have money in the bank and my bills are already paid. I have the two cutest dogs that ever walked the planet, and they worship me. I have an amazing view from my desk of the most beautiful fully bloomed orchid and I have some Sabra hummus with pita chips as a snack today, so I would say that’s sounds like a pretty good day. Yes I am happy right now. This very minute. There may not be anything else, so don’t waste it!

So I just found out that one of my friends who I haven’t talked to in while has a new boyfriend.  This news was like a punch to the gut and now I feel sick to my stomach.  I realize that this is by no means a normal healthy reaction to happy news.  Let me back up and explain this friend.  She is the one friend that I could count on to be alone like me! I felt a deep kinship with her because we have always shared a common inability to be in/maintain a relationship.  Having her as a friend, I have always felt like I wasn’t so different, and that even though I know I am completely dysfunctional, I wasn’t alone in my aloneness.

And now the bitch went and got a boyfriend.

As I realize that not everything is about me, I have to ask “how could she do this to me?”! I mean now the dysfunction has to be addressed because I am once again alone in my inability to be a normal person. I am so sick of analyzing myself! Geez… I mean they are dropping like flies, and by “they” I mean the neurotic, self involved single people that I have surrounded myself with as a means to feel better about my own short comings. Are these people getting help on the sly? I mean seriously? Is there some group therapy that I didn’t get invited to? God it better be my turn next. And I will try not to be an asshole about it when it happens… but chances are if I make enough progress as a human being, that another person wants to spend all their free time listening to my bullshit, well then I kind of have to act superior, huh?

You are awesome…

July 27, 2010

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Oscar Wilde

 I loathe phoniness. Nothing gets under my skin more than someone who spends all their life minutes playing a character or a part.  People who pick a stereotype and run with it… well this has always gotten to me.  Maybe this is why it has always bothered me when people give themselves nicknames and go around asking people to call them by said nickname.  It seems so forced and inauthentic. The beauty of a nickname is that it comes from a funny story or it develops over time as a term of endearment, and to give it to yourself is not only sad but phony as well. Anyway, I guess my point to this ramble is that I am starting to change my views on all of this.  When I see phoniness now it is no longer evoking anger or judgment, but pity. I feel bad for these people because they aren’t able to accept that being themselves is enough.  They can’t like themselves enough to introduce themselves to their friends.  Instead they have to put on a personality costume and start the show. How exhausting that must be! It makes me terribly sad when I look at things from this perspective.

This got me to thinking about how I can do my part to make this a more authentic world. I am going to make an effort everyday to make sure I support people and let them know that they have a safe place to show their true selves off when they hang out with me. I want people to know that I am not expecting the “show” but their own true thoughts and quirks. Doesn’t that sound lovely? An effort free zone where we can all let our true selves out for some air… the thought of that makes me relax and feel fuzzy like taking a deep breath and having a good stretch.

Would I date me?

July 22, 2010

I am a 31 year old single woman. I have dated, had short lived relationships, been convinced that I was deeply in love with people that didn’t realize they loved me back.  I have pined away several years’ worth of time on guys that are totally wrong for me or let’s face it, total losers.  All of this time I kept thinking that eventually I would stumble into the right relationship, and that it wasn’t my fault that I have such a hard time.  My friends and I can spend hours analyzing what the issue is and let me tell you, the conclusion we come to is rarely our fault! It is either that the timing was bad, the guy was hung up on an ex, he was obviously gay or he was immature. Now the most recent question is, why am I not meeting anyone? The answers are generally something like there just aren’t any reasonable single guys left. Well all of that is bullshit. When looking to solve a problem it is helpful to find the common denominator. That is me. There are perfectly datable guys all around me and not all of them are crazy and unworthy.

After reading an article by Caroline Myss “Are you sure you can handle a relationship?” I was prompted to answer 2 questions:

Do your choices lead you toward relationships or away from them? Would you want to be in a relationship with you? (Well, would you?)

First of all, do your choices lead you toward relationships or away from them?  No, my choices do not lead me to a relationship. I do not make an effort to socialize with single males that I am interested in dating.  The ones that I have dated or had crushes on were all unreasonable inappropriate choices that I subconsciously knew would never materialize into a real relationship.  I know this now, yet I still feel the urge to run away from those that have potential.  I have intentionally broken things off or blown off guys that could have been great for me, for no reason.  How is this fixable when it is almost like a reflex? It is terrifying to think that I might be alone forever because I am a commitment phobic who acts before she thinks and at any given moment can rationalize any decision. Also I am terribly shy in most situations and uncomfortable making myself vulnerable, unless under the influence.  If I never talk to anyone, chances are I am not going to meet anyone!

Second, would you want to be in a relationship with you? This is a tough one.  There are certain things that I really love about myself, but there is a lot that if I was dating me, might be a deal breaker.  I can be negative, judgmental, moody, controlling, jealous and a major complainer.  I have a tendency to get a little depressed and dramatic. I overanalyze everything and I have issues with food.

I can see how dating this kind of person might be a drag.  I am so hard on people and expect them to live up to my standards and if they don’t, I cannot be bothered to make them part of my life. The real question is would I even like myself? Yes I have great qualities also, but so does everyone else.  It is rare to find a person that has not one positive trait. If I try hard enough I can find something to like about everyone and isn’t much more enjoyable to like than hate? I need to stop being so hard on people and expecting so much from everyone.  Honestly, I don’t even try to see good in people anymore, I just look for why I am not going to like them. Life is hard and I have no idea what it is like to walk someone else’s path so I have no right to be so hard on them.  We are all doing what we can to cope with the cards we were dealt. I am lucky that I have found people in my life that are way less demanding than I am!

Wow it really sucks when you have to put yourself in check.  When you have to quit coddling your ego and actually admit that you are your own problem. If I ever expect to be happy I need to give people a break and open myself up.  I need to let go of my jaded and cynical views and really learn to see the beauty that is life and relationships.  It is not going to be an overnight fix, but if I can work on letting go of my expectations and finding the positive in every day, I just might make some progress. To quote one of the most sacred movies of my generation, Clueless “I decided I needed a complete makeover. Except this time I would make over my soul!”

Yep. That’s the plan.

What’s happens now?

July 14, 2010

 

What am I supposed to do? What does in fact come next? I am so terrified of making the wrong decision that it is almost paralyzing and I want to avoid the future all together.  But really could anything be so bad? I have been through hell and back several times mentally, emotionally and physically and I always do indeed make it back. I feel so much pressure because I feel like each decision that I make drastically alters the map of my life.  Like a choose your own adventure book, each choice I make leads to a whole new set of choices, all of which would never have materialized if I had never taken this path in the first place! Too much to compute… brain shutting down…  It is so intense to think about life in this way. That every single decision I make day in and day out has a major effect on the rest of my life. How is one to take this in and continue to go on living a carefree existence? I guess if I think about it, I will never know the life that stems from the choices I chose not to make so there is nothing to mourn. That life could have been great but chances are it could have been awful too.  To focus on the here and now… the present is what is going to keep me in motion.  If I am happy right now then I bet I can be happy tomorrow… regardless of the choices made and opportunities lost.  The future is important but the present is here and essential.