Would I date me?

July 22, 2010

I am a 31 year old single woman. I have dated, had short lived relationships, been convinced that I was deeply in love with people that didn’t realize they loved me back.  I have pined away several years’ worth of time on guys that are totally wrong for me or let’s face it, total losers.  All of this time I kept thinking that eventually I would stumble into the right relationship, and that it wasn’t my fault that I have such a hard time.  My friends and I can spend hours analyzing what the issue is and let me tell you, the conclusion we come to is rarely our fault! It is either that the timing was bad, the guy was hung up on an ex, he was obviously gay or he was immature. Now the most recent question is, why am I not meeting anyone? The answers are generally something like there just aren’t any reasonable single guys left. Well all of that is bullshit. When looking to solve a problem it is helpful to find the common denominator. That is me. There are perfectly datable guys all around me and not all of them are crazy and unworthy.

After reading an article by Caroline Myss “Are you sure you can handle a relationship?” I was prompted to answer 2 questions:

Do your choices lead you toward relationships or away from them? Would you want to be in a relationship with you? (Well, would you?)

First of all, do your choices lead you toward relationships or away from them?  No, my choices do not lead me to a relationship. I do not make an effort to socialize with single males that I am interested in dating.  The ones that I have dated or had crushes on were all unreasonable inappropriate choices that I subconsciously knew would never materialize into a real relationship.  I know this now, yet I still feel the urge to run away from those that have potential.  I have intentionally broken things off or blown off guys that could have been great for me, for no reason.  How is this fixable when it is almost like a reflex? It is terrifying to think that I might be alone forever because I am a commitment phobic who acts before she thinks and at any given moment can rationalize any decision. Also I am terribly shy in most situations and uncomfortable making myself vulnerable, unless under the influence.  If I never talk to anyone, chances are I am not going to meet anyone!

Second, would you want to be in a relationship with you? This is a tough one.  There are certain things that I really love about myself, but there is a lot that if I was dating me, might be a deal breaker.  I can be negative, judgmental, moody, controlling, jealous and a major complainer.  I have a tendency to get a little depressed and dramatic. I overanalyze everything and I have issues with food.

I can see how dating this kind of person might be a drag.  I am so hard on people and expect them to live up to my standards and if they don’t, I cannot be bothered to make them part of my life. The real question is would I even like myself? Yes I have great qualities also, but so does everyone else.  It is rare to find a person that has not one positive trait. If I try hard enough I can find something to like about everyone and isn’t much more enjoyable to like than hate? I need to stop being so hard on people and expecting so much from everyone.  Honestly, I don’t even try to see good in people anymore, I just look for why I am not going to like them. Life is hard and I have no idea what it is like to walk someone else’s path so I have no right to be so hard on them.  We are all doing what we can to cope with the cards we were dealt. I am lucky that I have found people in my life that are way less demanding than I am!

Wow it really sucks when you have to put yourself in check.  When you have to quit coddling your ego and actually admit that you are your own problem. If I ever expect to be happy I need to give people a break and open myself up.  I need to let go of my jaded and cynical views and really learn to see the beauty that is life and relationships.  It is not going to be an overnight fix, but if I can work on letting go of my expectations and finding the positive in every day, I just might make some progress. To quote one of the most sacred movies of my generation, Clueless “I decided I needed a complete makeover. Except this time I would make over my soul!”

Yep. That’s the plan.

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2 Responses to “Would I date me?”

  1. Katie O said

    I’m inspired by your candor and your revelations. Been thinking about it all day… Thanks, gravy lady.

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