I read a blog called Eat Live Run and today she posed the simple question,

                              “are you happy?” 

She said specifically that she meant the question to be answered about the moment, about today, not the big picture question of your life and your path… just simply are you happy right now? Hmmmm… that is a question that I never ask. Why? Well I am always stressing about my path and my future and what will make me happy eventually but I disregard the present as unimportant.  Who cares if I am happy now when one day it will all be worth it and I will be blissful?  Well guess what?  It is always going to BE the present and it will never BE the future.  Why worry about later, all the while sacrificing the now? Wow I think that’s what this is all about, huh? So, am I happy right now? Well I sure as hell ain’t sad today, and that is awesome!

I don’t love my job, but it works for now.  I am a bit lonely but I am fortunate to have some really fabulous friends and supportive family.  It’s Friday and I get to lounge about for two whole days. I have money in the bank and my bills are already paid. I have the two cutest dogs that ever walked the planet, and they worship me. I have an amazing view from my desk of the most beautiful fully bloomed orchid and I have some Sabra hummus with pita chips as a snack today, so I would say that’s sounds like a pretty good day. Yes I am happy right now. This very minute. There may not be anything else, so don’t waste it!

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So I just found out that one of my friends who I haven’t talked to in while has a new boyfriend.  This news was like a punch to the gut and now I feel sick to my stomach.  I realize that this is by no means a normal healthy reaction to happy news.  Let me back up and explain this friend.  She is the one friend that I could count on to be alone like me! I felt a deep kinship with her because we have always shared a common inability to be in/maintain a relationship.  Having her as a friend, I have always felt like I wasn’t so different, and that even though I know I am completely dysfunctional, I wasn’t alone in my aloneness.

And now the bitch went and got a boyfriend.

As I realize that not everything is about me, I have to ask “how could she do this to me?”! I mean now the dysfunction has to be addressed because I am once again alone in my inability to be a normal person. I am so sick of analyzing myself! Geez… I mean they are dropping like flies, and by “they” I mean the neurotic, self involved single people that I have surrounded myself with as a means to feel better about my own short comings. Are these people getting help on the sly? I mean seriously? Is there some group therapy that I didn’t get invited to? God it better be my turn next. And I will try not to be an asshole about it when it happens… but chances are if I make enough progress as a human being, that another person wants to spend all their free time listening to my bullshit, well then I kind of have to act superior, huh?

You are awesome…

July 27, 2010

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Oscar Wilde

 I loathe phoniness. Nothing gets under my skin more than someone who spends all their life minutes playing a character or a part.  People who pick a stereotype and run with it… well this has always gotten to me.  Maybe this is why it has always bothered me when people give themselves nicknames and go around asking people to call them by said nickname.  It seems so forced and inauthentic. The beauty of a nickname is that it comes from a funny story or it develops over time as a term of endearment, and to give it to yourself is not only sad but phony as well. Anyway, I guess my point to this ramble is that I am starting to change my views on all of this.  When I see phoniness now it is no longer evoking anger or judgment, but pity. I feel bad for these people because they aren’t able to accept that being themselves is enough.  They can’t like themselves enough to introduce themselves to their friends.  Instead they have to put on a personality costume and start the show. How exhausting that must be! It makes me terribly sad when I look at things from this perspective.

This got me to thinking about how I can do my part to make this a more authentic world. I am going to make an effort everyday to make sure I support people and let them know that they have a safe place to show their true selves off when they hang out with me. I want people to know that I am not expecting the “show” but their own true thoughts and quirks. Doesn’t that sound lovely? An effort free zone where we can all let our true selves out for some air… the thought of that makes me relax and feel fuzzy like taking a deep breath and having a good stretch.

Would I date me?

July 22, 2010

I am a 31 year old single woman. I have dated, had short lived relationships, been convinced that I was deeply in love with people that didn’t realize they loved me back.  I have pined away several years’ worth of time on guys that are totally wrong for me or let’s face it, total losers.  All of this time I kept thinking that eventually I would stumble into the right relationship, and that it wasn’t my fault that I have such a hard time.  My friends and I can spend hours analyzing what the issue is and let me tell you, the conclusion we come to is rarely our fault! It is either that the timing was bad, the guy was hung up on an ex, he was obviously gay or he was immature. Now the most recent question is, why am I not meeting anyone? The answers are generally something like there just aren’t any reasonable single guys left. Well all of that is bullshit. When looking to solve a problem it is helpful to find the common denominator. That is me. There are perfectly datable guys all around me and not all of them are crazy and unworthy.

After reading an article by Caroline Myss “Are you sure you can handle a relationship?” I was prompted to answer 2 questions:

Do your choices lead you toward relationships or away from them? Would you want to be in a relationship with you? (Well, would you?)

First of all, do your choices lead you toward relationships or away from them?  No, my choices do not lead me to a relationship. I do not make an effort to socialize with single males that I am interested in dating.  The ones that I have dated or had crushes on were all unreasonable inappropriate choices that I subconsciously knew would never materialize into a real relationship.  I know this now, yet I still feel the urge to run away from those that have potential.  I have intentionally broken things off or blown off guys that could have been great for me, for no reason.  How is this fixable when it is almost like a reflex? It is terrifying to think that I might be alone forever because I am a commitment phobic who acts before she thinks and at any given moment can rationalize any decision. Also I am terribly shy in most situations and uncomfortable making myself vulnerable, unless under the influence.  If I never talk to anyone, chances are I am not going to meet anyone!

Second, would you want to be in a relationship with you? This is a tough one.  There are certain things that I really love about myself, but there is a lot that if I was dating me, might be a deal breaker.  I can be negative, judgmental, moody, controlling, jealous and a major complainer.  I have a tendency to get a little depressed and dramatic. I overanalyze everything and I have issues with food.

I can see how dating this kind of person might be a drag.  I am so hard on people and expect them to live up to my standards and if they don’t, I cannot be bothered to make them part of my life. The real question is would I even like myself? Yes I have great qualities also, but so does everyone else.  It is rare to find a person that has not one positive trait. If I try hard enough I can find something to like about everyone and isn’t much more enjoyable to like than hate? I need to stop being so hard on people and expecting so much from everyone.  Honestly, I don’t even try to see good in people anymore, I just look for why I am not going to like them. Life is hard and I have no idea what it is like to walk someone else’s path so I have no right to be so hard on them.  We are all doing what we can to cope with the cards we were dealt. I am lucky that I have found people in my life that are way less demanding than I am!

Wow it really sucks when you have to put yourself in check.  When you have to quit coddling your ego and actually admit that you are your own problem. If I ever expect to be happy I need to give people a break and open myself up.  I need to let go of my jaded and cynical views and really learn to see the beauty that is life and relationships.  It is not going to be an overnight fix, but if I can work on letting go of my expectations and finding the positive in every day, I just might make some progress. To quote one of the most sacred movies of my generation, Clueless “I decided I needed a complete makeover. Except this time I would make over my soul!”

Yep. That’s the plan.

What’s happens now?

July 14, 2010

 

What am I supposed to do? What does in fact come next? I am so terrified of making the wrong decision that it is almost paralyzing and I want to avoid the future all together.  But really could anything be so bad? I have been through hell and back several times mentally, emotionally and physically and I always do indeed make it back. I feel so much pressure because I feel like each decision that I make drastically alters the map of my life.  Like a choose your own adventure book, each choice I make leads to a whole new set of choices, all of which would never have materialized if I had never taken this path in the first place! Too much to compute… brain shutting down…  It is so intense to think about life in this way. That every single decision I make day in and day out has a major effect on the rest of my life. How is one to take this in and continue to go on living a carefree existence? I guess if I think about it, I will never know the life that stems from the choices I chose not to make so there is nothing to mourn. That life could have been great but chances are it could have been awful too.  To focus on the here and now… the present is what is going to keep me in motion.  If I am happy right now then I bet I can be happy tomorrow… regardless of the choices made and opportunities lost.  The future is important but the present is here and essential.

a Gypsy at heart

July 9, 2010

More than anything I love to vacation. I mean who doesn’t? But this girl is wanderlust, for sure. I feel claustrophobic when I am stuck in the same place for too long.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having my cozy, happy little home base with my oh so excited about life dogs snuggling up with me on the couch.  But sometimes I dream of having no responsibilities or ties and just seeing the world.  How beautiful that sounds… to wander with no plan and meet new friends everyday. I would dive into local dishes for every meal and soak up the beauty that every place on this earth offers if you look hard enough.  Yes I would fit quite nicely into a gypsy lifestyle.  Unfortunately I have no money and am not the kind of girl that wants to stay in a hostel… So here’s to retirement! I am one day closer to you…

PS Anthony Bourdain- Whenever you decide that you want to drop your wife and invite me along on your travels, I’m ready. We could travel the world being superior and condescending to everyone, while getting drunk and eating weird shit. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Ditching your ego…

July 8, 2010

I wish I could lose my ego.  I think it is the biggest barrier stopping happiness from entering my life.  I wish I could stop caring about what people think of me, about being the best at things, about thinking I have to impress people or that people need to see me as a girl that can do it all.  What do I care? I hate that I don’t ask questions because I don’t want people to think I am stupid. I hate that I am so concerned with other people’s thoughts! I don’t know everything and I make mistakes and do and say things without thinking. Everyone does.  If I could just live in the moment and focus on my present self then maybe all of these defenses that I cling to will fall away… and maybe I can really just be.  Not worrying about being successful… just doing things because they feel good. Learning things because I want to… and telling people how I feel about them without fear that they will reject. If I can ditch the ego even for a few hours a day, there may just be hope for me yet.

Holiday cheer

July 2, 2010

I love holidays.  I love them all. And not even because you get a day off of work.  I love that people feel obligated to get together and play. I love that it’s an excuse to have 13 different dips and you can eat all that dip and polish it off with 6 desserts and call it a good day.  There is no judgment involved.  In fact people actually encourage it and if you aren’t a glutton then something is wrong with you!

Sometimes it is hard for me to accept this mentality actually, as I am a bit obsessive about food.  Food and me… we have a pretty unhealthy relationship.  I have spent the better part of 20 years either on a diet or adamantly proclaiming that I was NOT on a diet and eating myself into oblivion. And do the math there… that is since I was about 10 years old.  That is so ridiculous! It makes me sad to think that there are many others out there that have that “all or nothing” attitude, where food is good or bad. News flash… last I checked pizza and donuts weren’t on an all night crime spree robbing and murdering people, so it can’t be that bad!  Food is food and all food has a place in this world.  Even though I may rant about processed food and chemicals and avoid them like the plague, sometimes a ding dong and a soda find their way into my life.  And this is ok. And so is enjoying a holiday with your family and friends, where you share in special foods and overload your taste buds and tummy with cheese and cookies. Because everything is ok in moderation. Even moderation.

So here is to having a beautiful 4th of July, where we can drink and eat and laugh to our hearts content! May we go to bed with visions of fireworks and friends in our heads and dream of the sweet life, where food is merely our friend.

Oh how I wish it was 1958 and we were basking in the sun on a coast somewhere.  Spending the afternoon laughing and gossiping and eating sandwiches that we brought with us wrapped in wax paper.  We could play all day, getting golden brown without the fear of sun damage. Then when the sun starts to set we would get gussied up in our finest dresses, and wear beatiful red lipstick and go out on a dates with our steadies. We would go have a burger and a malt because we wouldn’t be scared of real food.  We would laugh and dance and end the night sitting on a blanket on the beach watching the stars and dreaming of what our grown up lives would be like.  This all sounds so lovely… except one problem for me… I would have been forced to wear the thickest, most unattractive glasses in the world! No thanks! I may dream of being Gidget or Annette but the sad reality is that I would have been the ugly duckling nerd of the group and as we all now, Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses! Thank god for technology and Lasik eye surgery…