Feeling blue and insecure too…

June 28, 2010

This week feels heavy. Or I feel heavy. Haven’t quite figured out what is heavy but I know that life feels difficult right now. There is no reason in particular and nothing that I am struggling with, other than maybe the lack of anything to struggle with? How can freedom seems like detention? I have no obligations in life right now other than to get up and go to work 5 days a week and I should be relishing my freedom to laze about and relax. But I can’t. I can’t relax or enjoy my free time because it is lonely and boring. Who needs to relax when there is no stress in life? Not that I am asking for trouble by any means, I just want some meaning. As much as I love solitude and recharging, it means nothing when that is all you have.
Oh how I wish I had someone to laze about with. Someone to make pizza dough and peanut butter cookies for. Someone with which to plan a holiday weekend. Is there something that is wrong with me? Why oh why can’t I open up to people and let them close? Why does it take so long for me to warm up to people? I hope that I can fall in love. I am not even sure I am capable. And while I am wishing I hope that I am loveable.

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