June 30, 2010

Photo from
One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving. 
Paulo Coelho

Half Year’s Day!

June 30, 2010

So it occurred to me that July 1st is the midpoint of the year. Not sure how this just now occurred to me but then again I only just discovered my half-birthday a few years ago. Man the mileage I could have gotten out of that one as a child! Anyway, July 1st is half way past and half way to New Year’s. It is the built in fresh start, where everyone vows to make life changes and rid their lives of bad habits. It also occurred to me that I have never once done a 6 month check in to see exactly how I am doing on those declarations I was so serious about at the start of the year. Never have I thought to see if they even still apply, or if my whole life focus has shifted (as mine does daily). Let the 6-month checkups begin I say! What better way to really own up to your progress (or lack of) on being a better person and having a better life.

My intent for creating resolutions this year was to focus on the realistic and not the usual “get rich and skinny” type goals. Here goes:

1. Be serious about living healthfully- check
2. Try to be kinder and more understanding- semi check?
3. Try harder to cultivate my friendships (meaning even when I am tired and don’t want to talk, make an effort to answer the phone)- semi check, again.
4. Be true to my word- check
5. Be honest- check
6. Be myself completely- working on it…
7. Let myself love and be loved- nope. Still not happening. What the hell is my problem!?
8. Travel more- check!
9. Be more financially responsible- once again… working on it.
10. Be a better daughter/sister- could use some work, but not too bad.

Hmmm… I guess I am not doing so bad, but still have much work cut out for me. I still have 6 months to work on the rest and I have faith. I mean, you have to have faith in yourself, right? Trust me, no one will believe in you if you don’t even believe yourself. I know this is cheesy sounding and cliché but it’s so true.

I am going to make my life what I want it to be and I am finally done fighting myself. I do deserve happiness and love, both of which I have successfully avoided for most of my life. And I am finally going to admit something… I don’t think love is a myth. There I said it. I think I finally realized that I was so hard and hateful toward love because I never thought I could have it. But that is bullshit. If I just stop telling myself I will never be or have something, maybe I could use all that energy to get/have it. So simple.

So with that being said… Here’s to an amazing, fun filled glorious end to 2010, where all my dreams come true and new ones are born.

Here is a list that I intend to make happen in the last half of the year:
1. Fall in love with exercise.
2. Grow an herb plant.
3. Take a road trip with no plans.
4. Take more pictures.
5. Make a new life long friend.
6. Learn to barbeque.
7. Fall in love with myself.
8. Read 6 books.
9. Be able to run a mile without stopping.
10.Fall in love… for reals.

This week feels heavy. Or I feel heavy. Haven’t quite figured out what is heavy but I know that life feels difficult right now. There is no reason in particular and nothing that I am struggling with, other than maybe the lack of anything to struggle with? How can freedom seems like detention? I have no obligations in life right now other than to get up and go to work 5 days a week and I should be relishing my freedom to laze about and relax. But I can’t. I can’t relax or enjoy my free time because it is lonely and boring. Who needs to relax when there is no stress in life? Not that I am asking for trouble by any means, I just want some meaning. As much as I love solitude and recharging, it means nothing when that is all you have.
Oh how I wish I had someone to laze about with. Someone to make pizza dough and peanut butter cookies for. Someone with which to plan a holiday weekend. Is there something that is wrong with me? Why oh why can’t I open up to people and let them close? Why does it take so long for me to warm up to people? I hope that I can fall in love. I am not even sure I am capable. And while I am wishing I hope that I am loveable.